PETA President Bequeaths an Ear to PetSmart in New Will

For Immediate Release:
June 5, 2023

Contact:
David Perle 202-483-7382

One of her ears to PetSmart, a piece of her heart to Elon Musk, and part of her spine to Donald Trump Jr.: These are among the bequests in PETA President Ingrid Newkirk’s newly updated last will and testament to ensure that she continues drawing attention to animal abuse and exploitation even after her death.

Newkirk’s original will was drafted 20 years ago after a flying scare, and because PETA has won so many victories for animals since then, it needed an overhaul. For instance, Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus, to which she had left her pointer finger to serve as the “Greatest Accusation on Earth,” stopped using animals and will now receive a thumbs-up in thanks for leaving animal acts behind.

Newkirk’s updated will, filed with her attorney executor, includes the following bequests (see the full list here):

• An ear to PetSmart, with the wish that it be used as a dog treat, just as pigs’ ears are currently used, to point out that no one’s body part should be used as a treat or toy for other animals
• A piece of her heart to Elon Musk to clone for himself, since his cruel and deadly Neuralink brain experiments on monkeys, pigs, rats, and sheep indicate that he doesn’t have one
• Part of her spine to cowardly trophy hunter Donald Trump Jr., who might stop trying to prove his manhood by gunning down magnificent, unthreatening, and unsuspecting animals if he had one
• A piece of her trachea to the Westminster Kennel Club, which promotes the breeding of breathing-impaired dog breeds, whose restricted airways leave them gasping and panting when they try to run, play, or even just walk
• Her lungs to the governor of Alaska, to call for an end to the Iditarod, in which over 150 dogs have died—with aspiration pneumonia (caused by inhaling their own vomit) the leading cause of death
• Her intestines to chef Nusret Gökçe, aka Salt Bae, to use as sausage casings in his meaty restaurants, thereby making him rethink who he serves up
• Her other ear to the king of Spain, in protest of bullfighting, in which the matador often cuts off the bull’s ears as a trophy
• One of her feet to The North Face, to give the company a kick in the behind for selling down and wool, despite claiming to be committed to making environmentally friendly clothing

“On his deathbed, they asked Bob Hope where he wanted to be buried and he replied, ‘Surprise me,’” says Newkirk. “In my case, when I die, I will hope to keep right on surprising those who harm animals, provoking conversation about speciesism, and campaigning against animal abuse.”

Other directions from her original will remain, including frying up her flesh (with onions) for a human barbecue and sawing off her other foot for an umbrella stand, like the elephant-foot ones she saw when growing up in India. Also included are burying another piece of her heart at Germany’s Hockenheim racetrack—as Newkirk is a lifelong Formula 1 fan—and sending Bruno and Rupert, the teddy bears she’s had since she was a baby, to an orphanage in India.