Talk Like a Vegan Pirate
Avast, ye compassionate freebooters! It’s International “Talk Like a Pirate” Day, and yer maties at PETA be revealin’ how vegans like yerselves can be flappin’ yer jaws like a pirate, savvy?
OK, so that was a lot harder than I thought it’d be. To help you out with your pirate talk, here are the top five phrases that vegan pirates will need on September 19—complete with translations for landlubbers.
1. When you’re ordering food
Lubber: Hey there! Could I have the fried rice without eggs?
Pirate: Ahoy, matey! Bring me smartly yer best fried rice, but belay the cackle fruit!
2. When you’re explaining veganism to your grandparents
Lubber: Basically, I don’t eat or use animals or animal products. It’s really easy, and I feel great.
Pirate: I don’t be usin’ blown down animals or critters trapped in Davy’s grip, ye sea dogs! It be as simple as the hornpipe, and I don’t require hornswagglin’.
3. When someone asks, “What do you eat?”
Lubber: Like, everything.
Pirate: Everything, ye son of a biscuit-eater!
4. When a friend asks why SeaWorld is so bad
Lubber: In the wild, orcas swim up to 100 miles a day, but at SeaWorld, they’re confined to tiny concrete tanks and subjected to a life of swimming in endless circles and performing dumb tricks for food.
Pirate: On the high seas, orcas be swimmin’ as far as 86 nautical miles a day, but SeaWorld be a black spot for ’em. There, they be confined to tiny concrete quarters, and their life ain’t much to speak of.
5. When you’re telling your friends about tomorrow’s demo
Lubber: Hey, guys! We’re protesting Air France at the airport tomorrow—you should come!
Pirate: Shiver me timbers! The man-o’-war be headin’ fer the port of air tomorrow for a peaceful parley. We be needin’ all the freebooters we can muster!
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