Shocked?

PETA has finally given in, and we want to show everyone how to roast a pig properly. Because if you’re not going to do it right, just don’t do it at all, AMIRITE?

What you’ll need:

1. A comfy chair:

It is a roast, but you want to make sure that the pig is comfortable. You’re not a monster.

2. An established comedian:

We’d go with Ellen DeGeneres (because we know she wouldn’t be too harsh), but this one’s totally up to you.

3. A lineup of roasters:

Pick comedians who have experience roasting people, as they should do well also with roasting pigs. Russell Brand, Sarah Silverman, and Andy Dick are great choices here.

4. A 90-minute slot on national television:

Because it’s really not worth the effort unless millions see you totally OWNING that pig.

What to tell your roast master:

1. Don’t rely on stereotypes:

We’ve all heard those “dirty as a pig” stereotypes, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. Pigs are actually very clean animals who keep their sleeping and living areas spotless.

2. Roast smart:

Pigs are some of the smartest animals in the world, ranking above dogs and human children. So maybe leave the knock-knock jokes and puns at home.

3. Don’t be too mean:

Because you never know whether a pig will save your life. Pigs have rescued people from drowning, burning buildings, and heart attacks. You don’t want a pig to look the other way the next time that you’re in trouble.

4. Have fun:

We’re all just having fun here. It’s not life and death, as on a factory farm, where pigs die every year by the millions.

And there you have it—the only way anyone should roast a pig.

But only if he or she has it coming.

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