How to Roast a Pig
Shocked?
PETA has finally given in, and we want to show everyone how to roast a pig properly. Because if you’re not going to do it right, just don’t do it at all, AMIRITE?
What you’ll need:
1. A comfy chair:
It is a roast, but you want to make sure that the pig is comfortable. You’re not a monster.
2. An established comedian:
We’d go with Ellen DeGeneres (because we know she wouldn’t be too harsh), but this one’s totally up to you.
3. A lineup of roasters:
Pick comedians who have experience roasting people, as they should do well also with roasting pigs. Russell Brand, Sarah Silverman, and Andy Dick are great choices here.
4. A 90-minute slot on national television:
Because it’s really not worth the effort unless millions see you totally OWNING that pig.
What to tell your roast master:
1. Don’t rely on stereotypes:
We’ve all heard those “dirty as a pig” stereotypes, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. Pigs are actually very clean animals who keep their sleeping and living areas spotless.
2. Roast smart:
Pigs are some of the smartest animals in the world, ranking above dogs and human children. So maybe leave the knock-knock jokes and puns at home.
3. Don’t be too mean:
Because you never know whether a pig will save your life. Pigs have rescued people from drowning, burning buildings, and heart attacks. You don’t want a pig to look the other way the next time that you’re in trouble.
4. Have fun:
We’re all just having fun here. It’s not life and death, as on a factory farm, where pigs die every year by the millions.
And there you have it—the only way anyone should roast a pig.
But only if he or she has it coming.
