The Top 5 Dumbest Things That Hunters Did This Winter

These people make Dick Cheney look like Plato.

1. I Shot the Law
   Just after Thanksgiving, hunter Alan Blanchard from Gallatin, New York, apparently decided to go hunting “after legal shooting hours.” He and his hunting partner, James Brown (not that James Brown, of course), were reportedly trying to hunt deer in the dark when concerned residents called authorities and reported hearing gunshots. According to news sources, Environmental Conservation Officer James Davey responded to the call, and as he walked through a cornfield looking for the men, Blanchard, apparently mistaking Davey for an animal who looks nothing like him, shot him through the pelvis. He survived, and Blanchard was charged with second-degree assault and hauled to jail.

2. Bully Loaded
   Hunter Jessica Gray wants your sympathy—because other hunters are picking on her. In a teary-eyed piece for the Great Falls Tribune in January, she recounted how she and her husband apparently spent one of their first weekends as newlyweds hunting cow elk in Montana. (Never heard of Netflix and chill? Seriously?) Gray claims that she shot an elk and that the terrified wounded animal ran, only to be shot by other hunters. A squabble ensued over “whose” elk she was, leading Gray to sob about being “bullied.” Um, you surround yourself with people who kill animals for entertainment. So, yeah.
3. I’ll Never Let Go, Jake. I’ll Never Let Go.
   During a freezing January in Boutte, Louisiana, Matt Grabert and Jake Duhe reportedly decided to toss a flat-bottomed boat into the frigid Mississippi River on a windy Friday night and float with the current while shooting ducks. What could go wrong? Well, the wind and waves flipped the boat, sending the men sprawling into the icy Mississippi and spawning the requisite newspaper rescue story chock-full of phrases such as “helpless in the middle of the river,” “their worst fear,” “barely able to hold on,” and “it wasn’t over yet.” Thankfully, Rose still had the Heart of the Ocean necklace and it was safe.

   

 

4. Terminally Stupid
   In December, Kentucky hunter Lazaro Marquez-Amaro got a Christmas gift of three separate criminal charges after he allegedly went hunting at Louisville International Airport. According to media reports, a police officer found him on the grounds of the airport shining a spotlight into the brush and brandishing a loaded crossbow. He probably won’t be getting TSA PreCheck clearance anytime soon.
5. They Probably Should Have Named Him Steve
   Another hunter spent Christmas in the hospital after he accidentally shot himself in the chest, according to news sources. Massachusetts teen Hunter Richardson was hunting on Christmas Eve when he decided to test the thickness of ice by turning his loaded gun around so that it was pointed at his chest and slamming the butt of the rifle into the hard surface. You can figure out how the rest of that scene played out. Hunter survived and needs to do a PETA name-change awareness campaign worse than anyone we know.