Step Away From the Tentacles

You know, very few things will bother vegetarians like assuming that we eat fish. Um, so, like, what plant is it exactly that you think fish grow on?

By saying “you,” I don’t mean you, of course. After all, you already understand that fishing hurts, and you’re totally down with lobster liberation, right? And you’ve made it clear to your friends and family where you stand. But they still guilt you into going along to that seafood place they like, saying, “OK, you don’t eat fish or lobster, but why can’t you have the calamari?”

First of all, “calamari” is one of those nice-sounding words that restaurants use to sell something not so nice—in this case, chopped-up and baby squid. But it can be hard for people to feel a lot of affection for a squid. They live way down underwater, and even baby squid—unlike, say, chicks or piglets—aren’t all that cute, to put it mildly. But what they lack in looks is more than compensated for in fascinating ways. If you don’t believe me, check out this video:

Anyone who has ever tried to chat up someone in a bar has to stand in awe of the squid’s smooth seduction technique, which simultaneously warns rivals to stay away. Not to mention the deep-sea light shows and color-changing camo effects of the jellyfish, octopuses, and cuttlefish that put Industrial Light & Magic to shame. In fact, this stuff is so amazing that you can easily get your friends and family to watch it just for its entertainment value—and then remind them of it the next time you join them for dinner as you explain why you’ll all be going to your favorite restaurant instead.