Hard-Boiled Justice

You know what it’s like—you get started with something, thinking you’ll have just this one or do it just this once, and then you think, “One more wouldn’t hurt, right?” And before you know it, it’s all out of hand.

Of course, when I do it, I end up eating half a package of Newman-Os, not egging 400 people’s houses and cars.

That’s right—a couple in Pennsylvania have recently been charged with perpetrating an 18-month “egging spree” that resulted in $7,000 worth of damage.

This news article explains that the couple started egging because they “wanted to retaliate against friends for damages they said were inflicted upon them” but moved on to other targets to avoid suspicion.

Hate to break it to you (geddit?), but 400 targets might arouse a little suspicion, don’t you think?

Now, the county’s district attorney is urging the victims of the spree to come forward, saying, “We have an obligation under the law to seek to make them whole and to get restitution for them.”

Sure, the people who had to wash their cars and hose down their driveways deserve “restitution.” But let’s take this further: What is washing your car compared to being crammed into battery cages and having your beak cut off with a hot wire?

When you think about it that way, aren’t the hens the number one victims here?

We think that all the victims of this crime deserve restitution. For this reason, we’ve written a letter to the DA with a logical suggestion: It takes up to 34 hours for a hen to produce a single egg, and during that time, she isn’t watching TV—she’s crammed into a cage that doesn’t allow her to take a step or stretch one wing, and she has to balance on wire and do her business on the backs of other birds. If the DA has an “obligation” to “get restitution” for the victims of this crime, wouldn’t justice best be served by sentencing the perpetrators to 34 hours of community service in a vegan soup kitchen or doing bird rescues for each egg wasted? We think so!

Check out our letter to the DA: