Santa, Baby, Hurry to the Shelter Tonight

According to hilarious spoof news source The Onion, the first signs of spring are flowers blooming, longer days returning, and animal shelters euthanizing the last of the “Christmas puppies.”

In a recent article, The Onion “interviews” puppy mill patrons who grew tired of caring for their dogs once they outgrew their puppy cuteness: “‘Two years ago we bought Lisa a puppy for Christmas,’ says Jason Hutton of San Diego, who quietly abandoned his daughter’s Lhasa apso by the side of a road when he grew weary of family arguments over whose turn it was to feed it. ‘And there came a point where it just wasn’t a puppy anymore, you know?’”

For kids who discover a puppy under the tree alongside Xbox games and Barbie dolls, the novelty often wears off faster than you can say “jingle bells,” and the dog is discarded like last year’s ZhuZhu pet. The Onion‘s tongue is firmly planted in its cheek, of course, but it’s as correct about this scenario as pet stores are about estimating their holiday profits while they play an endless loop of Burl Ives classics.

Written by Michelle Sherrow