Punxsutawney Phil’s Life Is No Piece of Cake—but PETA’s Offer Is
What’s better at predicting the weather than an exhausted, frightened groundhog? Just about everything. So PETA contacted The Punxsutawney Groundhog Club’s president, Tom Dunkel, with a sweet offer: Retire Punxsutawney Phil and his family to a reputable wildlife sanctuary, and we’ll provide a giant vegan “Weather Reveal” cake every year for revelers at Gobbler’s Knob to enjoy. If the inside of the cake is blue, it would mean six more weeks of winter, whereas pink would signify an early spring.
The cake’s composition could be based on actual weather forecasts, making for a more exciting revelation. But even leaving the color to chance would be more accurate than Phil’s “predictions.” A meteorologist with Weather Underground, Tim Roche, determined that since 1969, Phil’s accuracy rate has been about 36%. More importantly, a towering confection won’t mind being surrounded by flashing cameras and shouting crowds—unlike shy, skittish groundhogs, who retreat into their burrows to escape danger.
If Phil were allowed to live as nature intended, he would be hibernating in his cozy burrow on February 2. He would be able to swim, climb, and dig, and he would’ve built an intricate home with multiple rooms and even a separate bathroom. His partner, Phyllis, would have her own burrow, where she would devotedly raise the couple’s two kits until they, too, chose to build homes. These remarkably intelligent animals would communicate with family and neighbors using their own well-developed system and would look out for one another, whistling alerts about any potential threats.
Instead, they’re held captive in a plexiglass enclosure in a library so that human visitors can gawk at them year-round. The light and climate are controlled to prevent them from engaging in their natural hibernation. And once a year, Phil is pulled out of a giant faux tree stump by a group of human handlers and thrust into the air above a sea of loud patrons and flashbulbs. “Phil” has actually been represented by a long succession of groundhogs since a version of this spectacle began in 1887—and for about the last 50 years, each has been held in captivity.
Like many other traditions, this one should have been left in the 1800s. Phil could easily be replaced with an animatronic groundhog or any of the other clever updates that PETA has offered over the years. You can help by asking The Punxsutawney Groundhog Club to demonstrate actual respect for Phil by retiring him and his family to a sanctuary. If the club doesn’t go for PETA’s Weather Reveal cake, we’ve offered to send another option: a large thermometer that reads, “If it’s still cold, it’s still winter,” which would aptly represent the absurdity of this tired old gimmick.
